How to Be Alone for the Rest of Your Life

- Be the nicest person you can possibly be.

- Notice when girls get haircuts, highlights, or new shoes.

- Compliment them on their haircuts, highlights, or new shoes.

- Continue to be intimidated by pretty girls.

- When you speak, blurt out something idiotic, incoherent, and meaningless.

- Be encouraging.

- Live with your parents.

- Stare at pretty girls until you realize they're looking at you, then quickly turn away as if you were not looking at them.

- Listen to every one of your instincts.

- Work in a law office that specializes in divorce.

- Don't believe in love.

- Have an obssession with The Simpsons that borders on addiction, and quote The Simpsons at inopportune moments.

- Ignore most of your friends.

- No alarms and no surprises, please.

- Get ticked off at the most trivial things; proceed to pretend that you're not angry.

- Have no ambition whatsoever.

- Act oblivious in most situations.

- Misinterpret everything.

- Get the nerve to do something, and then don't do it.

- Hold views that would make Pat Buchanan blush; agree with everyone.

- Go to bed at 10:00 post meridian every night.

- Use the term "post meridian" instead of "p.m."

- Keep telling yourself, "she's got to have a boyfriend."

- She does have a boyfriend. (It's not you.)

- Listen to Elliott Smith.

- Make sure to NEVER let her know how you feel.

- Have a useless blog that only one person reads.

- Follow every item on this list.